Monday, March 31, 2003

Gorilla Language
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.

The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.

Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

The Professor and the Chauffeur


There was a professor who was one of the smartest in reference to biology, evolution, science, physics etc. He had become famous and well known through the entire country.

He was so well known the colleges across the country got together and decided they would have him come around to all the major Universities and give a speech to the students. He was given a limousine and a permanent chauffeur.

He went all over the country giving the same exact speech on his theories of evolution and biology. He became so famous that students were standing in their chairs clapping and waving signs, yelling, screaming, with excitement of the speech he had given. Dancing in the streets around his limousine as he was leaving. He was becoming filthy rich and the chauffeur knew he was becoming rich over the same exact speech. He knew it word for word and one day while they were driving the chaffier looked in the rear view mirror at the professor and said he could give the speech as good as you can. I can get up in front of the same student audience and give the same speech and you are getting rich off of the deal. It just isn't fair and you know it isn't.

The professor told the chauffeur we are on our way to a major university. He said we are about the same weight and height and for the chauffeur to pull over and we would change clothes and I would become the chauffeur and you will be the professor. The professor said you want to make a fool of yourself go right ahead.

Now get this picture, the real professor driving the limousine acting as the chauffeur the chauffeur in the back as the professor. They pull into the major university and enter the auditorium and the real professor sitting in the back.

Standing room audience, students standing in the isles just to hear the famous professor speak. The chauffeur gives the speech and when he is finished the crowd goes crazy, screaming, and yelling, jumping up and down over the speech that had been given. Non-stop standing ovation as the student body finally manages to silence the crowd.

The student director of the school gets up and tells the students we have about ten minutes left would anyone like to ask this gentleman any questions. About midway through the audience a student stands up with big horn rimmed glasses on, books under each arm a real egghead. He says Mr. Professor if a dinosaur died two million years ago and it's carcass rotted and a crew today searching for past evolution strikes the carcass as they are drilling. What would be the temperature of the carcass and what would be the ratio of the drill bit? What would the temperature of the earth's core be at that depth? What would be the temperature of the remaining fossils?

The chauffeur acting as the professor just stared at the student in amazement. You could have head a pen drop. Finally he tells the student as long as I have been in business that is the easiest question that I have been asked. I am amazed that they would allow a student with your IQ in to this college. I can't believe you would have the nerve to ask me a question as simple as that! Just to show you how easy the question is, my chauffeur is in the back of the room I'll ask him to stand up and answer it!

Monday, March 10, 2003

Things I've Learned from My Children
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.

11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy

Saturday, March 08, 2003

Any good jokes? E-mail me at Jaylita43@cs.com
Accidental Bonding
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."


Thursday, March 06, 2003

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

Tuesday, March 04, 2003

***CAUTION-EXPLICIT LANGUAGE AHEAD***

The F Word

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it's sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very few words with the versatility of "Fuck."

Besides it's sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

It can be used in an anatomical description ---- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time ---- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business ---- "How did I end up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal ---- as in "Motherfucker."

Valuable Vocabulary Chart

Greetings ---- "How the fuck are you?"
Fraud ---- "I got fucked by the car dealer."
Dismay ---- "Oh, fuck it."
Trouble ---- "Hell, I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression ---- "Fuck you."
Disgust ---- "Fuck me."
Confusion ---- "What the fuck...?"
Difficulty ---- "I don't understand this fucking business."
Despair ---- "Fucked again."
Exasperation ---- "For fuck's sake."
Enjoyment ---- "This is fucking great."
Hostility ---- "I'm going to knock your fucking head off."
Stupidity ---- "Geir Bergerud is a Fuckwad!"
Incompetence ---- "He's such a fuck up."
Ignorance ---- "Fuck if I know."
Displeasure ---- "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost ---- "Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief ---- "Unfuckingbelievable!"
Retaliation ---- "Up your fucking ass."
Surprise ---- "Fuckin A!"
Surprise ---- "Well, I'll be fucked."
Suspicion ---- "What the fuck are you doing?"
Contempt ---- "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!"

Famous quotes:

"What the fuck was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" -- General Custer

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" -- Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real fucking gun." -- John Lennon

"Who's gonna fucking find out?" -- Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll." -- Anne Boleyn

"Any fucking idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her!" -- Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo

"Fuck a duck." -- Walt Disney

"Why?- Because its fucking there!" -- Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" -- Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers my ass." -- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." -- John F. Kennedy